Blog,  Finding My Happy,  Traveling

Going Home

We are in northern Michigan for the week. I know it sounds cliche, but the air feels different up here. Maybe I have just been in North Carolina for so long that I do not appreciate the beauty as much as someone who is visiting. But Michigan is my happy place.

I was born here, and I still claim it as my home, but in reality, I only lived here for a year or so before my parents moved us all down to the south. We would drive up and visit for a week or two every summer, making our way from relative to relative, trying to see everyone in the short period of time that we had. Some of my best childhood memories are in these places. It is different to bring my own kids here now. I know that they will never see it through my eyes, but I am glad that they get to share in this place that has been such an important part of my life.

My dad’s parents live in a small town that is right off from Lake Michigan. I think that it is the most beautiful place in the entire world. There is a beach with sand and a playground, the downtown area is tiny, and the harbor is filled with boats of every size. There is literally one stoplight. It is the exact opposite of our city in North Carolina. Coming here is like hitting a reset button. I daydream about buying a little shack here just to be able to have a place to call mine. It would be fiscally irresponsible considering how infrequently we would visit, but maybe one day I will make it happen. My family is here now, but one day they won’t be, and it makes me sad to think that we won’t be able to call this town ours anymore after that.

I also made a big decision prior to coming up for this vacation. I asked the Captain if he wanted to meet the girls while we were here. This wasn’t a decision that I made lightly. In fact, after the last debacle, I didn’t hear from him for weeks. I spent part of everyday wondering if I was going to be served with visitation paperwork from the court. I spoke to an attorney, and after our conversation, we determined that the best course of action would be to pursue mediation if the Captain were to decide that he did want to see the girls. I have never tried to hide them from him; my goal is to protect them from heartbreak. I have never been confident in his ability to stick around, and for good reason in my opinion. We had a big argument about it a few weeks ago, and I honestly don’t really know what changed my mind. I think that I finally decided that it was only fair to give him a chance and put the ball in his court.

Yesterday, he drove upstate with his mom and met us at the lakeside park that I love so much. I didn’t know what to tell the girls about meeting him. I probably didn’t handle it well, but I don’t know that there is a way to explain that to five-year olds that is really appropriate. All these years, they have not known that they even have a father, and suddenly there he is. It was slightly weird for a few minutes, but then everything was fine. They played together for hours on the beach. The girls had a blast, and I think that he was genuinely happy to spend the afternoon with them. He thanked me profusely before we all went our separate ways. It was the right decision. I would be lying if I said that it didn’t feel like a sucker punch when I heard them call him “daddy.” Even now, it makes me want to cry a little, but that purely comes from a place of jealousy. It is not my place to keep them from someone who loves them. He is already asking about coming to visit in NC for Halloween weekend with his fiancé. I hate her so much, but that part is out of my hands. Perhaps that also stems from a place of jealousy. This adulting business never gets easier, but I can learn to adapt.

Today, my girls and I are heading back home to our lives in the south. I miss my house and my dog and my routine. Disconnecting is so important. The break from the stress of work and everyday responsibilities is wonderful, but it isn’t sustainable. I don’t know that I would do well to have this much freedom all the time. Vacation is exhausting with all the running from activity to activity, trying to cram so much into the little bit of time that we have. It will be nice to pick up my dog from the kennel and snuggle with her for a few hours. As much as I love my Michigan world, going home is always nice, too.

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