Suitcases and the Disney Villains
I do not handle change well.
The question of change often comes up in job interviews, and I always lie through my teeth about it. When asked, I assure the interviewer that I love change, that I am flexible and eager and accommodating. But I am a dirty liar. Change makes me anxious. I do not like the unknown. I am a girl who needs a plan and an end game. Surprises are not fun for me.
Speaking of interviewing, I have been doing a lot of it lately. It is such an atrocious process, and I hate every single second of it. Even with over two decades of experience in my profession, I struggle with self-doubt. Imposter syndrome is a real thing. My resume is impressive, yet I worry that it isn’t good enough. Maybe I didn’t actually achieve anything in the past twenty years. Shouldn’t I be further in my career by now? What if people are beginning to notice my age? Am I too old? Did I land in the right career? When I was in high school, I wanted to be an architect, but I chickened out. I also wanted to be a news reporter, but I didn’t think that I was pretty enough. I still want to be a writer when I grow up, but I don’t know what to write about. I have started a book fifteen different times, and yet I question why anyone would ever want to read anything that I put into print.
I interviewed with a major retailer a couple of months ago. It was a company that wasn’t really right for me at all, but it would have been a decent opportunity. The product wasn’t really my vibe, but I thought that perhaps I could channel my inner chameleon and blend in enough to make it work. When the recruiter joined the zoom call, I knew almost immediately that it was a waste of my time. She was completely distracted during the conversation, scrolling through her phone just out of the video frame, not listening to a single thing that I was saying. She asked me questions that I had already answered in my previous responses. It was annoying and rude. Needless to say, I did not get a call back for a second interview; however, I found great joy in the fact that the position kept getting refreshed on the job board for weeks afterward. Apparently, none of the other candidates were good enough either.
I also interviewed with a local business who was looking for an office manager. This was a role that I really wanted. The schedule was a dream – no nights or weekends, and I could have flexibility with my schedule as needed for my girls. I went through three interviews with them in addition to answering a series of essay questions about my goals and experience (finally putting those writing skills to use). I nailed every single round, feeling incredibly confident after each one. The recruiter called me and said that they were putting together a benefits package and for me to think about my salary request. I was excited. And then….she ghosted me. Ugh. So rude. Back to the drawing board I went.
My anxiety is real.
And speaking of anxiety, the girls have visitation with The Captain for fall break next week. Admittedly, I expected that our situation would be a little less rocky at this point. After our custody dispute was settled in court, I called my best friend and said something along the lines of, “Phew! I am so glad that this is over now!” The way she laughed will live rent free in my head forever. Even with the case concluded, we have spent considerable time arguing about visitation, mostly because The Captain and his wife want dates for Christmas break that they did not ask for in court. It has been a real point of contention, as I have refused to give in to their demands to change the dates. They have asked to change something with nearly every visit because the dates or times aren’t convenient for them. Regarding Christmas, The Captain threw a tantrum and threatened me with court, but I will not be bullied.
One of the twins is having an issue at school, and it has honestly been nice to be able to discuss things with the Captain like adults with a common focus. It would have been nice to have that support from him since day one, but I won’t look a gift horse in the mouth. At the conclusion of a satisfactory phone conversation a couple of days ago about the situation, I asked The Captain if there was anything special that I should pack for the girls’ trip to Michigan. He hesitated for a moment before telling me that he and his wife were surprising them with a trip to Disney World for the week. He also said that they hadn’t been planning to tell me, which absolutely infuriated me. A Disney trip cannot be organized at the spur of the moment, so they have clearly been planning this for awhile. The Captain implied that he was afraid that the secret would get out and ruin the surprise (as though I would put my dislike for them over the happiness of my children). I was told to pack swimsuits and their floaties. He instructed me to pack their things in the new suitcases that they received for Christmas last year from his sister.
Shortly after speaking with The Captain, his wife sent me a string of long-winded text messages with the details of their trip. She could not resist tossing in a burn or two, mentioning that they are taking this trip now because I refused to be flexible with the holiday schedule, causing an interruption to the plans they made before the court order was signed. She also told me exactly what I should pack (don’t forget the PJs!) as though I have never taken a trip with my children before. Once again, the importance of using the new suitcases was stressed. Thank goodness she reminded me; otherwise, I may have just forgotten to pack their things at all.
It is mind boggling how, of the three of us, the wife is the one who cannot behave like an adult. I never thought that I would give The Captain credit for anything, but at least he is trying here. What is the benefit in stirring the pot? Perhaps it stems from some sort of insecurity on her part, but any jealousy that she has is unwarranted. I could not possibly want to be with The Captain any less. I simply want my girls to visit with him as dictated by the court and for them to have a good time while doing so.
Her participation really isn’t required.
