Spinning

Things have been changing.  Aren’t they always, though?  I write so intermittently anymore that it is impossible for them not to.  I wish that I had more time to write.  The mood tends to strike me when I’m in my car, or at work, or otherwise involved in something that does not allow for a pen and paper or a laptop.  Free time is a myth anymore.  I can’t remember the last time I didn’t have a hundred things scribbled into my agenda.  

I started a new job four weeks ago.  I needed a change of pace, a change of scenery, a change of everything.  Parts of me are incredibly excited about it, and the majority of me thinks that I must have lost my mind.  What girl in her right mind begins with a new retail company during the week of Black Friday?  This new part of my life is sucking every bit of energy and time that I have.  It is stressful and awful.  I have forgotten how difficult it is to be the new girl.  This is why I have put off finding a new position for such a long period of time.  I hate conflict.  Hate it.  Hate it.  Hate it.  I despise being the bad guy, and right now, I am the bad guy.  It is no fun having to prove myself all over again.  I’m good at what I do, but no one knows it yet.  Very few of my associates like me.  I feel like I’m walking on eggshells.  For the most part, I’m not their biggest fan either.  

I would really welcome some sort of routine, some semblance of normalcy in any area of my world.  My chaotic schedule is as hard on Kylie as it is on me.  I feel like I’m missing out on everything that counts with her.  She is in her last year of elementary school, and I cannot figure out where the time went.  When did my baby get so big?  She is growing up so fast, and always in the back of my mind is that she will eventually grow big enough and leave me.  It is a silly thing to worry about, but it makes me sad nonetheless.  I have spent so much time rushing around and trying to provide for her as well as myself that I haven’t been able to enjoy it all as much as I would have liked.  I wish that we had done more, had more girls’ dates, more tea parties.  Soon enough, she will be too old for stickers and the Disney channel and glitter on everything.  She had the puberty talk at school the other day.  I have never felt so old in my entire life.  

I’m not really sure what it is that I want.  I suppose it’s the things that I always have, for the most part.  Yet I have finally started to accept the fact that I may need to rethink my game plan.  Panic mode has begun to set in.  I’m not getting anywhere in relationships.  I don’t think I’m ever going to have a bigger family.  I have spent so much time thinking about it and longing for it that the prospect of losing it feels as personal as a death.  I could try to convince myself that when I stop looking, the perfect guy will fall directly into my lap.  He is clearly hiding at the end of a rainbow with a magical leprechaun; this mythical guy is nowhere near my vicinity.  Maybe I am simply more comfortable being alone.  No one to impress, no one else to worry about, no one else to consider.  I wouldn’t have to do my hair, wear makeup, fit into cute clothes.  I could just let myself go.  

Sigh. Letting myself go is simply not my style.  

A few months ago, one of my best girlfriends told me to “do the opposite.”  Whatever it is that I am normally doing, whatever my instinct tells me, do the opposite.  I can’t tell if it’s working, or if I’m just not overthinking things the way I tend to do.  Either way, I’m not really getting anywhere.  Maybe I’m going in the wrong direction.  I needed to change things up a bit as far as everything was concerned.  I took a big job, made some big changes, and now I want big results.  

BIG results….