New Year

“What if the only resolution you made this year was to love yourself more?”

I just realized that I only wrote six times in 2013.  The year before, it was 45.  Prior to that, 84.  What happened to my creativity?  I feel like I should write more so that I can remember the things that have made me laugh and maybe even the things that have left me scarred. 

Overall, I think that 2013 was good to me.  It was a year of trying to adapt to changes and learning just how resilient I can be when I have no other choice.  I had to get used to my dad being a zillion miles away.  I spent more time alone than ever before.  I learned how to take care of myself a little bit better.  I think that I have never been as stressed out, but also more proud of myself for surviving.

I fell in love with the only guy who has told me that he loved me since I was married and divorced.  I had my heart broken  by the same person in the most disastrous and painful way of my entire adult life.  I questioned my ability to survive the hurt, and then I learned to bounce back.  I have resolved to stop looking for love, and I have accepted the fact that it may not happen for me, and that it’s okay if it doesn’t. 

I learned that time is not slowing down at all.  In fact, it is speeding by more quickly than ever, and for the first time in my life, I have felt older than I probably should.  My daughter is turning into a little lady right before my eyes, and I am proud and terrified at the same time.  I worried that I have been doing the parenting thing all wrong, even though I know that I should have more faith in my own abilities.  My child is healthy, and she is happy, and I have been blessed. 

I landed a job that I wanted as much as I needed.  My fear of change made me put it off much longer than I should have.  It was almost easier to stay in a place that left me wanting more and feeling unhappy than to go after something that could solve both of those problems.  Starting over was terrifying and awkward and awful.  It was hard to be the new girl.  It is still hard to not have all of the answers and to ask stupid questions sometimes.  And yet, I am happier, even if I am beginning all over again. 

I have never really been one to make a lot of resolutions.  There is really no point.  I am always making plans, always challenging myself to be better.  Lately, I have noticed that I don’t have enough down time.  I have always felt like I never stopped running around.  I am always racing from one thing to another, trying to cram as much into my day as I possibly can, all the while becoming more exhausted and getting less done.  This year, I want to get more sleep.  I want to play with my puppy more, even though she is too big to be considered a puppy anymore.  I want to work less and watch more movies in the theater.  I want to spend more time with Kylie doing fun things and less time being stressed out when things don’t go the way I think that they should.  I want to read more and troll on Facebook less.  These all sound like achievable goals.  So in a way, I am making resolutions, even if they aren’t the type that involve losing five pounds (or fifteen) or working out more often.  I need to enjoy this life before it races by.