Mothering

I never thought I would be a mom. In my younger years, I didn’t really spend a lot of time with children other than the occasional interaction with the littles who were at my church. I completely lacked the desire to do activities with them or to volunteer to work in the nursery. None of that appealed to me. Kids were gross.

I was only 22 when Kylie was born, and it is shocking to me now that I was so young when she came along. I loved being a mom, even though I had no idea of what I was doing. I was just getting established in my career, so I did a lot of growing in those years. When she was four, I became a single mom, which in a lot of ways was easier than being a married mom. Of course, there were plenty of challenges as well. Being solely responsible for everything was almost maddening. I got less right than I did wrong, and I was really hard on myself. As the years went on, I wanted another baby so badly. I realized that I lived for the fun that I had with my daughter. The quick weekend trips to the beach, the field trips and chorus concerts, the holiday traditions of watching Charlie Brown specials on television. I was sad at the idea of only getting to do it once. I really really wanted to be even more of a mom.

Thirteen years after my first baby, just when I was giving up on the idea of having another, the twins came along. They were the greatest surprise I could ever have been given. They are two of the coolest little people that I know. For a girl who didn’t want children at all, I was so thrilled to end up with three.

I took this weekend off from work, not necessarily because it’s Mother’s Day but because I was due for a little break from the chaos. I always forget that home is simply a different kind of chaos. I always have big ideas of sitting down with the book that I’ve been trying desperately to finish or working on a new painting that I have saved to my Pinterest board. I imagine crossing off every item on my to-do list so that I can make a fresh start to the next week. But there is always a basket of laundry to fold, a dishwasher to load, a meal to prep, and everything else gets pushed aside. Sometimes at the end of the day, I try to figure out what I did for myself during the day, and I am hard pressed to come up with a solid answer. I am trying, though, to appreciate the magic that disguises itself in these ordinary days.

Friday, I joined the first graders for their picnic lunch. The school year is winding down; there are only two weeks left before summer break begins. I always feel like a celebrity when I hang out with these kids. Kylie was with me, too, and one of the littles asked if I was the twins’ mom. I said yes, then pointed to Kylie and told him that I am her mom, too. His mouth dropped in surprise. He made my entire day.

This morning, the girls and I grabbed donuts and then headed to the park to play for a bit. There were so many families there. An elderly lady guided her husband across the mulch and sat next to me at the bench. He reminded me so much of my mom’s dad. He was so excited to see his young grandson come flying down the slide, over and over. I was so happy to observe his joy that I didn’t even crack my book open.

Kylie’s boyfriend called me this afternoon and asked if he could stop by our house to grab something since Kylie was at work. When he got here, the twins ran to meet him at his car, and he popped out with roses to wish me a happy Mother’s Day. It has taken twenty years, but I now know how it feels to have a son, too.

These days, I still think kids are gross, just as I did during my teenage years, but I love it. They are funny, interesting, comical little people, and I am lucky to know them.

I am so happy to be their mom.