First Days
My baby girls started kindergarten today. It was their official first day. Last week, they had a stagger start day where only a quarter of their classes went for half the day to allow them to get used to the structure. Open house was the week prior, and I left work early to make sure that we made it. There were two gigantic bags of school supplies to carry in, and we had to park a mile away from the front entrance because there were so many families there. I wore a cute blazer so I would feel trendy and pretend that I wasn’t the oldest mom at kindergarten. It was 100 degrees outside, so by the time we made it to the door of the school, I was dropping the bags and sweating and frustrated that I was doing this alone. So much for looking pulled together. As usual.
The girls have adjusted well to this new part of their lives, and I am sure that I will, too. I only cried a tiny bit when I walked them to their classrooms on their stagger day, but this morning in the drop off line, I found myself losing it a little. There is always a fear when sending our babies off to do something new. Will they be safe? Are they going to be scared? I had a choice of two schools to send them to; did I pick the right one? Their teachers are very nice, and I am sure that they will do great things this year. But no one loves my babies like I do, so this is hard for me.
When I left Kylie at her first day of kindergarten, I was a basket case. I cried so hard on the way out that the principal stopped me in the hallway to reassure me that they would take good care of her. I have never forgotten his words. That same little girl starts her freshman year of college tomorrow. I don’t think that I am ready for that either. There is a crazy little part of me that wants to call her college and ask if they will also take good care of her. This is a whole different type of letting go. She went to orientation a few nights ago, and she had a slew of new friends by the time she came home. I am so happy for her, but I am also sad that she is leaving me. But that’s the job, isn’t it? It is time for her to start her life, and it will be okay.
The girls have been talking to the Captain weekly since we came home from Michigan, and I admit that it has been weird. I have all of these feelings about the situation that are difficult to describe. Part of me wants to appreciate that he is willing to try and be involved, and part of me is pissed because I think it is only because his fiancee wants him to be. He makes little suggestions sometimes in regards to parenting, and I really wish that I could slap him through text messaging because who does he think that he is? He is currently angry because the girls did not want to FaceTime with him on Sunday. I understand where he is coming from, but I also refuse to force them to talk to him. He cannot expect for them to meet him and then suddenly be inseparable from him. That’s not how it works.
I also have to question how much of my anger is stemming from this undeniable jealousy that I have. It isn’t fair that he has been able to move on, get engaged, plan his new life, no strings attached. He gets the easy job. He gets to live his life without the hard parts of parenting, then snap a few photos of the girls having a blast with him on the beach for his Facebook, and call it a day. Will I ever stop being angry about this? He wants to come down to visit the girls for a day at Halloween, and I told him that I am not okay with the girls meeting his fiancee. Hell, by then, she may be his wife. He had his bachelor party over the weekend, and I could not resist commenting about their short engagement. It was petty, but I have no shame. He replied that they had met a year ago, and they just knew, and then I almost barfed because they will undoubtedly be divorced in five years. I don’t want to watch my girls go through their impending dissolution. This isn’t their mess to witness.
Sigh. Look at me being dramatic.
Anyway, now we settle into our new normal. I will try to focus on the things that I can control. I am redesigning my goals for my life. The things that were once important to me are no longer on my radar. I have tried to figure out what it is that I want. I wonder if I will ever get it right. I think that I am happy with being able to rule a lot out. If it doesn’t make me happy, it’s simply not welcome here anymore.
